A child's refusal to contact a parent can be a reaction to a lack of interest and emotional warmth, or to strict discipline and quarrelsomeness from that parent. Some situations of "justified refusal" indicate a lack of communication between the parent and child, or a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of behavior. Other situations may be related to a sense of guilt or the need for action on the part of the estranged parent, which he or she may very much want to correct or perform once they understand what it is. Mediation in such cases can be extremely useful for all parties involved.
Some children have problems that bother them but are relatively minor from the parents' perspective and are easily overcome once the parents understand them. Some children say that after talking to a mediator, they felt more confident to tell their parents what they needed to ask for or explain without a mediator's intervention. When parents start giving up on fruitless attempts to reconnect, they should be urged to be patient. Some children and teenagers need time to heal. If they felt abandoned by the parent who left home, they may need reassurance of that parent's unwavering love and affection.
The goal is not to question children and get answers for the benefit of adults who "need to know." The goal is to restore the broken wires of connection, which may have been severed or twisted, so that children and parents can listen to each other and talk more easily and with understanding. The mediator reconnects the wires, but in no case should they act in a directive or controlling manner.
Children and teenagers can participate in the mediation process without bearing any responsibility for the outcome. Their views and suggestions help parents develop agreements while allowing children and teenagers to feel that their opinions matter and that their parents are taking them into account. Mediators rely on their understanding of attachment and systems theory, crisis and chaos theory, and family interaction and communication. All these areas of understanding are relevant to mediation with parents, children, and other family members.